Emtional Disdain

(This was written for a friends in college who i never see anymore...MISS YA ALREADY LIZ AND JOHN!)

From life dawn to dusk
We’ll see our lives in its end
For there was no end to our camaraderie
We recalled our times when we initially met
From simple lives of reading mangas aloud
To staring at the sky above form a refuse container
We shared a year of close contact for a year
But need of higher learning pulled you away
Left broken, I had to pull pieces of our memories together…
I heard you came by locale to see relatives
I was sad you did not call upon me
Days passed, with no hope of my eyes upon you
Then, a new moon brought me contentment
My respite was found in your wisdom
Although it made me feel inferior
I felt warm among your presence
We did as much as any could
I still feel it wasn’t enough
The last day in which we spoke was a meaningful day
Because that was when I knew, I see you again
Although I know you’ll be gone for a while…
Remember, “Shinjite Iru Cara”

Dedicated to my close friend, comedian, and poet… Liz Ryan

Seasons vol. 2

boo ya! okay i reveled more facts about everyone and extra stuff that my friends can figure out... here

Summer Starting Anew (season’s unchanged vol. 2) by: Javier “DeMarcus” Guevara

I remember this time; it was the time when things were still within my grasp. I have only just met her, and we were on a friend basis. The sun was warm, the trees and the fauna were in full bloom. The days were long without classes at Tokyo U, and they seemed even longer with the sun resisting to fall like many other innocent days, it was a time when I still had my so called “normal” life. Everything and everyone I had were all a part of my boring life.
I remember my last day of classes; she and I were waiting to meet at the pond after we were dismissed by our professors. I could care less what my teacher had to say on my last class, because finals were done, and I knew I did well. I wouldn’t have to see him anymore. Well, at least not in school anymore. (Unless I took organic chemistry)
Oh I rejoiced as any person would when they hear parting words from a professor or an institution, even if only temporary. (Still had another year left in me) I don’t know how, but even though I was in the second row, I was the last one out of the door. Embarrassing really, but not as embarrassing as the parting words of my professor. Throughout my years of comprehension of educating systems, I expected cliché’ expressions like “good job” or “looks like I’ll see you next year” with a malevolent chuckle. Now of all times, he decided to break all ties of professionalism and tell me to take care of her daughter. It seemed like he really held me in high regard to his daughter, but it seemed like he was the only one. Maybe it was because he really got to know me through teaching or maybe because I really tried in his class and didn’t have anything bad to say about him. Whatever it was, it made me feel good.
It was noon; in fact the moon was in the highest placement I’ve ever seen in all my years of reality. The sun decided to hang over me particularly, like a lonesome watchman. All I can remember thinking was that this was the best time if ever to get a chance to see she would start a closer relationship. Of course, there was nothing I could do, other than trying to wing it. I said that to myself because that’s who I was, and she wouldn’t want anything (or anyone) else.
Finally, around 12:45, she came over the bridge to our unique place. We called it… M’iel. It was our little world, because no one ever came here for some reason, and it had really exotic plants from around the world. We made it our duty to keep them alive, since they were put there by some seniors who wanted a quick A on a project. Then they never took care of them again. (Bastards) Some died regardless, because they were planted lazily, (dumbasses) or because they just weren’t supposed to be in this kind of climate. (Jackasses)
It was a beautiful summer, we were close, and yet we had our distance. We both saw that our friendship was growing a bit more rapidly than we expected. We would always see each other every day, yet we never had a dull moment. I would have to call on one of our best days, it was a Saturday in July, and we decided to see a play. We didn’t care what kind, because we just wanted to go just so we could see if we could enjoy it like most other adults do. A childish excuse yes, but a reason none the less. The truth was we loved it. It was a gothic play, with themes of love, sacrifice, and honor. (It had vampires and angels too!) We decided that we’d write our own, and someday… Live it.
If I wasn’t with her, she was off to her grandfather’s house. It was a long trip, but I had a job, so I only went when my schedule allowed it. I remember that her grandfather was just as tolerant as her father was. He lived an hour away from the city, in the countryside where life seemed to stand still in a chrono freeze, like the lush forest in the crisp winter. Life didn’t affect that prefecture, for all I know, the world could have been brought to its knees, and I would not have known. When we stayed there, we would have pleasure just writing, reading, and sitting out, looking around and talking to each other. Then, like all good times, the summer was reaching an end without warning.
We decided we’d spend a late night in our distant world of M’iel. We met around 10, where the only people in the general vicinity were people on a walk through the night for their own reasons of self discovery. The university had a way of doing that. I knew that the world was away now; I would finally see what she wanted with our relationship. We sat under a tree, and talked like we always did, but then, she came to me under the tree and said that there’s more for us to do in the upcoming seasons. I opened myself to speak words of comfort to help the feelings she expressed to me. She interrupted my words with a far more meaningful expression. She pressed her lips upon mine, as I felt a giant release from my anguish of greed.
The summer was over at the end of this night, and as the moon faded farther, the summer was officially at a close. We decided we’d remember every season by doing something meaningful we’d remember forever. This summer we decided to leave ourselves in this land, now and forever away from all those who judged us. Instead of destroying the tree by engraving into the bark like other typical lovers did, we left a plant, nurtured by ourselves, that way we grew it only out of love for each other.
We left a little sign for all… It said…

Our Summer Dream,
Apollo
+
Quistis

Story By: DeMarcus

The Fallen

My latest piece... It's broken two of my records... one for the most amount of lines... (and being my longest poem), and being one of if not the most depressing thing I've ever written...

What can I say.... enjoy?

The shadows linger as the light fades away...

Never to see another day...

With Fate to laugh upon despair...

Empty love that is never there...

Walking earth I dwell alone...

Life is such a painful moan...

Darkness in lives... Darkness in deaths...

Darkness resides... as we drift through the depths...

Friendships are broken... Dreamers are lost...

Death to the fallen... no matter the cost...

Shattered and broken we fall to our doom...

A void of emptiness and gloom...

It is life for these people... people like me...

Never to face our destiny...

Forever trapped inside the shell...

Caught in wastelands of an endless hell...

The struggle we face lies deep within...

And the outer world corrupt with sin...

Up we look and watch for you...

The key for us to pass on through...

To a forgotten place... your wonderful life...

Void of our pain and void of our strife...

You bask in your glory as we drown in sorrow...

You embrace your today and we hope for tomorrow...

You rob our emotion... all we have left...

Is this void in our hearts... An ominous cleft...

I now know there is nothing to escape from this place...

Only hide this existence under the face...

Hidden from the world we know...

For it is only here that we can show...

The warmth I have in this dark hole...

As it plagues my mind and tortures my soul...

It may ruin my being day after day...

But now I realize that it is my way...

To have fallen this far... there is no way out...

Only a glimpse of a world without...

This void that has buried me inside my mind...

Maybe someday I’ll be able to find...

Not the key, or a door... but the answers I seek...

To the questions inside... of which I speak...

What is inside my fallen Dreams?

Is love really the way it seems?

What is my true Destiny...?

Will I find my Identity...?

Where exactly is my faith...?

Is it my mind where I am safe...?

So many questions... with nothing to find...

Just the emptiness inside my mind...

I feel my emptiness inside...

I’ve lost my dignity.. and lost my pride...

I’ve lost my Love... and my trust too...

I’ve lost my hope... and I’ve lost you...

What left do I have in this empty heart...?

Without a hope... I’ll fall apart...

Without a pride... I’ll have nothing to face...

Without a dignity I am a disgrace...

Without a Love I have less than before...

And Without you... nothing to Dream for...

I have nothing now inside my soul...

Just this void... this empty hole...

I look to you to live for tomorrow...

While I still have my guidance that you can still follow...

Do not turn around... don’t even look back...

For you have the promises that I’ll always lack...

You may feel my sorrow and for this you may wait...

As I hate to admit... your far too late...

Do not cry for me... for tears burn my face...

For Fallen am I to reach such a place...

Do not Dream for me for it will not come true...

For a Dreamer am I to craft thoughts of you...

Do not Love for me... for Love is a lie...

To rob me of your starlit sky...

Do not live for me... for you’ll see a new day...

For Death am I... to send you away...

To live your life as happiness declares...

Not to delve and fret in my sad affairs...

Never to stand tall once more...

Never to mend my broken core...

Never to embrace the warmth of love...

Never to finally rise above...

A Pic of my room ... I guess... (my arm moved while taking a pic. Like the wrestling Poster? = P 

I made this picture using photoshop (Thanks a lot Jav!) Jav helped me a lot, 1 by teaching me how to use ps. and he helped me with the text, and the picture in the middle. The swords are from before (I redid the model again, and Im probably gonna redo them again... I found a sword model that looks EXACTLY how I wanted The blades to look) 

Holiday stuff

I wrote some stuff for people over the holidays... (Merry X-mas and happy new year everyone)
but one of em I like a lot, so im putting it up
The part in the middle was actually written to me by Elyssa... thanks a a lot ^_^

For Elyssa

The midnight stars shine above my eyes as I look up to a velvet sky... Time is motionless, and I can feel the cool night breeze brush across my face... Nothing echoes in my mind... Nothing matters... not anymore... My heart is full with the friendships that have guided me for a lifetime... Darkness no longer lingers... and Fate’s grasps slowly dies... The events of my life have begun to change again... and now things have happened that I have never thought possible... A world has finally opened it’s eyes to me... ME of all people... My spirit shows and they do not laugh... My smile is broad yet they do not mock... My wings are spread... but they do not fear... My mind returns to the task ahead... as I glance up at the beautiful night...

The world... my world... has begun anew... a New Year... a new dawn... a new horizon to reach... A new dream to find... as I quest to find my destiny... Alas I look upon this majestic sky, yet I share this vista with no one... yet I am no longer in vain... Fate no longer binds my soul... and Love no longer curses my heart... Friendship is the maiden I embrace... for now... and as the night serenades the world with song, with sight, and with promise... I stand... and look upon a rising moon... in my hand is the piece...

Like a flower in the winter

You are different

Special too

Your support and help

Means much

When I don't know what to do

Times are not always great

But your strong

And can make it now

Your heart and good sprit

Will take you far

Even when at first

You don't know how

The heart of another... The work... the blood, the sweat, the soul, and the emotion of a friend... lie in these words. I embrace it... knowing that after years of kindness and generosity... That I have opened another’s eyes to the dreamer’s world... She has seen her share of darkness... and cried her share of tears... yet I have been able to do nothing for her... yet... she is not in vain... for a simple mantle of friendship has given us a bond... a bond that shall heal our wounds... and drain our sorrow... and for this... I have gained a student... an apprentice... a friend... and now I hold in my hand a reward for my troubles... Never had I sought, or expected such a wonderful gift... and I cherish the thought... and the emotion that was put into creating it... I raise my hand to that rising moon... and I decree... that this night shall be dedicated to you... my apprentice... for you have brought me a light I have never seen... and a skill I hoped I would one day pass on... I shall take it upon myself to teach you the ways of the dreamer...

seasons vol. 1 (jav is back, hey!)

Seasons unchanged, by: Javier “DeMarcus” Guevara

We’ll be young forever, that’s what we said…

We met in a park about 2 years ago. It didn’t matter how right now, that’s a story for another time. She was 15, I was 17. I was a junior, she was a freshman. Age didn’t matter to us, I mean out parents were at least 8 years apart, and they still hold a healthy relationship, well at least my parents. She was very reluctant in enlightening me on her relationship with her parents. All she told me was that they broke up a long time ago.

We met in the spring, it was the clichéd season of romance, but a cliché has to be true if it’s said so many times. She had such a cold exterior, but once we shared each other and opened up, we were like the best friends. I could be myself more around her...And she the same. We were so blissfully happy, well, at least I was.

The fall, we became much more than friends, we knew everything about each other, even random useless facts, like her favorite flavor of pocky. She found out my favorite kind of car. We started to be a romantic couple, kissing after times of bliss, talking about our future like what we were going to do with our lives. We always joked around saying that there was no way we’d grow old, without do something important with our lives.

In the winter, an idea arose. We wrote a dissertation, it was for school. She helped me, we felt like we were one mind. It began to shape the way people thought. We felt like there was something more for us, a cause for our union. Of course, no extraordinary work can go unchecked. We then got the wrong kind of notoriety. Accusations began to destroy our credibility as authors, even as people.

The spring was cold, as if god delayed the warmth form both the outside and from within. We never left each other, but we began to carry a more solitary life, from seeing each other every day, and between every class. Now we passed each other a friendly glance as if to tell the other that everything was alright, but in my true conscious, nothing was right, in fact we were losing ourselves. As the spring came to an end, I felt as if I had to make myself move on, knowing that I had plenty of years left in me to find whatever it was I was looking for.

Summer time kept us even farther apart, she had obligation to her parents. This summer she had to spend with her father, in a far away place. I planned to visit her, but I felt that we drifted to far apart for me to show up unexpectedly at her door. I thought she might take my presence in a most unexpected way. So I decided not to see her, and maybe I could try to find another, to see if she was really as important as my mind may have deceived me into believing.

Another solstice down, as the leaves began to fall in this season. I began to worry, for I have not seen her and school has already convened. I’m scared because she might have decided to stay with her father. Was it because of me? Was it my entire fault? Did I cause her that much sorrow that she felt she had to avoid me entirely? No, I knew her better than anyone else; she was never one to run away, not even in love. No wait, especially in love. Days passed, and still no words were spoken between us, that is, until one moon, I was reached through her mother. She proclaimed that she’s been in the hospital for quite some time now, and that until now, she was unable to speak words till she woke from her trance. I was informed that I was the first person she wanted to see. I rushed to another far off land, in search of her. When I found her, she was in tears, unknowing If I was to be at her side. When we could finally hold each other in our arms, we felt nothing more than the touch of each other; we knew things would mend again.

The winter was cold once again, but no bitterness from the condensed water kept our lives in any affliction. We found time trapped in the dwellings of a snowbound city. There was no one to see, and nowhere to go. It was a perfect time for us to catch up, and even to discover some things new to ourselves. We reflected upon everything we encountered from trivial encounters, to life altering experiences. One topic we still left on was the desire to stay young. We were so wrapped in the beliefs of our words, we spent days, no weeks trying to figure a way for us to stay young, and together everlastingly. We had a plan, but something didn’t set right with me.

The calendar, the TV, and the radio all told me it was spring, but I knew it wasn’t. Because there was snow still throughout the land, and we still haven’t found a resolve. She said she would remain frozen forever now, the way she is, with me. I felt like she was scared, I admit, so was I, but everyone was at one point. We just needed to find a way to continue. One day, she left me a note, simple lettered massage, which was unlike her. It was just a note saying meet me here at a certain time. As any intrigued or concerned lover, I followed my heart’s decision to pursue her request. I found her standing on the edge, the edge of life, reason, and love. She had only two questions for me. The first one was if I really wanted to stay this way forever. The second was if I really loved her. I know that I was foolish, I answered in the wrong order. The first thing I said was that I loved her since I knew her, and that I will always love her no matter what we go through. The last words she said to me was that she then knew that she had made the right decision in loving me, and that she knew that I would make the right decision for us. Then in that instant, we were one, even though we were 100 stories apart, we were now unified by one spirit. I had to make a decision, what was I going to do?

Now I know its spring, because the snow melted, and my life is born anew. She is always with me now, though fingers were pointed, no one could cast me away for what we had. It was easy to blame society, or some type of emotion, but the truth was, there was nothing to blame but love. I had been notified that she had three things on her, the day she left this realm. There was a letter addressed to me, a letter to her life, and one left for the world. I will make sure her dream is carried on, you will hear her decree, and I hope she can stay young within your heart.

One day I will find her, and I’ll meet her in the one place she needed not to touch solid ground, but we will hold on, in a place much higher, a place where I wouldn’t have to wait for the warmth of the sun, a time where the next season was never a worry, a place where the summer beams the beautiful sun. A place it would always be like the fall, where the leaves would fall as she did so gloriously. Then a place like the winter, where the snow set down; like she did on my soul. Finally, a new spring for me, where I could start my life over. Just like she gave me, quite some time ago.

there, I really enjoyed it, but what it is, is a basic story, that im gonna go into depth, and expand, as i go back in the story. A funny paradox, but its original, and fun to do

The Cycle

New work up... Havn't had a good day...

The Cycle

The cycle continues onward... as I slowly roll into the depths... Always succumbing to Fates grip...
Darkness envelops me as I fall into the abyss.... My heart writhes in pain, as Fate has found another way to deceive me... Finally things begin to change... and life slowly shapes to my path... and Happiness echoes in my soul... My friendships grow... and my courage is strong... I think that I feel the winds of love begin to blow in my direction... I am free... or so I think... Then the inevitable happens, and all the dreams I have fought for are shattered, and the truths in my mind are lost... I hate this... this cycle of mine... It has excited for years... but I cannot defeat it... I cannot change Fate... for I am merely a pawn in this game of life... I give my heart and soul to the people I care about, for nothing in return... and receive only pain from them... I always thought that hope lived in them... that They would be my wings.... but as each cycle rolls by, the truth seems obvious... it is in the darker stages, the beginning of the cycle, that those loved ones look out for me... They are there to bring me to the light... but as the wheel nears its end, they are nowhere to be found... not beside me... Emptiness... that is what I feel... I want to show my love to these people... yet a simple gift cannot supply that yearning... and even then, a bitter emptiness waits for me just around the corner... Love has been lost and forgotten.... and Friendships that were once blooming begin to wither... until the cycle calls for them again.... I feel betrayed... betrayed by myself... for how I could be so foolish... so naïve... I trusted them, but they do not share my feelings of compassion... I am but a pawn that they can control, for I will bed to their every whim... in search of favor... only to find an empty friendship after the deeds are done... I am a fool... Foolish enough to believe that I still have a chance with the love of my life... Foolish enough to believe that things have changed... because they haven’t... They never did... I’ve just adapted to them. And people come and go from my life... friends and foes alike, and for every foe gone, another takes his place, and for a friend lost, a shell to breed false hope. For every day that has passed... I have learned and forgotten the one truth that shall always follow me... I do not belong in this world... and I never will...

Just venting...

Well... I FINALLY wrote something new... it took a really shitty weekend... but I finally wrote something new...

It doesnt really have a title, but I'm happy to finally write something, maybe I'll get back into a streak again.

Darkness deals another blow...
And Tears fall down my empty face...
Helpless in a pile of snow...
Trapped inside this place...
I thought things well going well...
That life was going my way...
But once again the world is hell...
Each and every day...
I’ve failed to bring a victory...
I’ve fallen to despair…
I’ve lost my sense of destiny...
In Fates diabolical lair...
Another day of misery, oh how can It get worse?
Yet its just another peril you see, in my oh so wonderful curse…
It's haunted me since I was born, it almost killed me then…
It's followed me through agony, time and time again…
Fall deep into the void...
Into the depths I go...
Now is the time you give me grief
Now is the time you show...
You push me around like a raggedy doll...
You slowly tear my wings...
And laugh at me for all I do...
In any and all things...
And as each season rolls along...
The grief returns again...
They try once more to make more wrong...
Make me a shattered man...
Anger is the power of rage...
The Fire held inside...
To let lose the monster from his cage...
With Raging Fury flied...
So now I lie in Crimson snow...
Freezing in my sorrow...
Toiling every second away...
Not hoping for tomorrow…
Nothing good will come of me, no matter how hard I try…
Pain rears its ugly head every time I pass on by...
But with every curse, a hidden blessing hides from normal view...
That helps to break the spell by whatever it’s supposed to do...
And while I’ve gone to hell and back, I have this blessing too...
And if I really had to say... I’d say that blessings you...
I’ve said this fifty thousand times… and I will say it once more...
You’re the key that’s gotten me to open up the door...
To a better world, a better place, a better way of life...
You healed me of my painful wounds… and eased me of my strife...
I’d probably be dead if it weren’t for you… or at least be very lost...
And someday I will repay you no matter what the cost...
And while we’re face to face much less... and now there’s no more love...
I still dream that you and I shall fly in skies above...
Friendship is my purpose now... to do the best I do...
I shall not let this happen to thee... and this I promise you.

Downtime

For anyone who's been reading, just letting you know that I'm having comp issue. Apparently I've got a virus I have to take care of, so I won't be able to update (Im on my dad's laptop) Hopefully Ill get it fixed and be back soon

***UPDATE***

Everythings working now... and to top it off, I FINALLY have windows xp again!!!!
I havn't really written anything in a while, but I'm getting there... I'll have something up soon!