25 Years: A Reflection

So here I sit, beginning the last day of the first quarter-century of my life… I’ve been putting off a long post for a while now, and I feel like this is really the most appropriate time for me to sit down and do some thinking. I mean, it’s 3:00 am right now and I’m the only one awake following me and my two friend’s birthday party, but I guess I’ll write until I start to get tired. Or I guess until I finish, whichever comes first.

This has been an incredible year for me. Of all things, it started with the defense of my Master’s thesis and earning said Master’s. That’s a pretty amazing way to start off a year. I’ve moved back to Massachusetts, I’ve found a home in Boston, and I’ve had some amazing times here with the friends that I have found in this community. I have a job in my field; I have had some awesome opportunities with friends, with my job, and with my fellow Enforcers. I had two amazing PAXes and I am continuing to find ways to grow and move forward in life.

25 years… I can’t believe it’s been that long. I really have to take the time and appreciate all of the things that have happened in my life up until this moment. It’s not the most amazing, or the most successful, or the most interesting life out there in the world, but it’s been an incredible journey. To think that I almost didn’t make it through day one… How would the world be without my being here? Thankfully I’m not going to go the whole “It’s A Wonderful Life” route here. With confidence, I can say that my life has impacted people. Maybe not in a global sense, but I have certainly impacted those that have crossed my path. My friends, my family, my clients and my co-workers for sure. This year has really allowed me to appreciate the little things: The tiniest of moments and the simplest of gestures. It’s these day to day actions that really impact the people around you.

If I may: I discovered today (well yesterday given the time) that a piece of my old football jersey (if not a replica of my jersey) is in the newly renovated boy’s locker room of Longmeadow High school. Recently, I have received various messages from my younger sister telling me of the high regard that my former coaches hold for me as a player for this school. One coach even went as far to say that “(He) was one of the greatest players to come out of this school)”. Now, this may look like I’m trying to stroke my own ego here, but there’s a reason why I bring this up, especially in this context. I was a nobody in High School, or at least that how it felt from my perspective. In football, I was okay, I guess. I held my own on the freshman team and managed to start for most of the season, however the next two years went by being completely unnoticed by my coaches. I was a moving practice dummy, again from my perspective. I only got a chance to start my senior year because the guy starting over me was being lazy. During the senior banquet that year, my head coach presented me with two depth charts. One from the first week of the season, to the one prior to the super bowl. He told a quick story about my progression through the season and ended by describing my story as proof that hard work and perseverance can really pay off. Being the unconfident 17 year old that I was at the time, I very much shrugged this whole experience off. I felt embarrassed when this whole thing happened. Hell, I still have a hard time believing that any of this is fully genuine. Yet, every year my father tells me of how those coaches tell my story to our neighbors children. While I have not directly impacted those kids, my story is inspiring and motivational. It shows that anyone can achieve greatness (and in Longmeadow, starting on the football team is a very prestigious position) if they work hard and find their moment to shine. But that’s enough about this particular story.

More recently, I’ve found that the biggest impact that I have had on the people I know is my ability to empathize and connect with people. I don’t feel that this is a particularly difficult ability, and yet it has served me well throughout the years. It allows me to better understand this world, and the people in it. I’m not the most relatable guy in the world, and there are certainly people who are very much not in my corner, but I find that my circle of friends continues to grow, and I find myself much closer with those people who invest the time. I’m someone who tends to give a damn a little bit more than I should. I value that investment, many times to a fault. I’ve over-extended myself far more times than I can count. Yet, this is what I do, and I continue to choose to do so. I guess I try and look at my own life, and the darker and lonelier moments in it. I’ve had many times in which one person could have made the difference, and I didn’t have that when I needed it, especially during my younger years. Knowing that, I guess I try to fill that gap when I see those kinds of moments in others. Not to gain something in return, or to achieve some sort of ego boost, but because I know what it’s like to be alone in the world, and if I can prevent that, I’ll gladly make whatever sacrifice to do so.

Lonely is a feeling I find myself feeling far less these days. While I remain single in a romantic capacity, I’ve never felt more at “home”. I feel welcome in my home, within my group of friends, and the various communities that I am involved with. My self-confidence has skyrocketed this year, and I can thank Grad School and therapy for that. I’m sure I’ll eventually go back into that, but things are good right now so I think that can wait. As most of you know, my strongest community is that of my fellow PAX Enforcers. This year has really taken that sense of belonging to a whole new level. As welcoming as this community has been, it hasn’t always felt so. I found myself triggered after a few things happened out in Seattle two years ago, and I had been struggling to feel comfortable in this community for a while. Let me clarify: these experiences were not the fault of anyone else, and most of these feelings were the result of my own internalizations, but I felt that I had somehow alienated myself to people in the community. This last year set me on the path to move forward from those experiences, and my most recent PAX really helped me break through that anxiety. I had a new position, with a newer management team and a lot of new responsibilities, but we exceeded all expectations and I really found myself at my best. PAX has always been a place in which I have been at my best, but for once I was able to recognize my accomplishments and my place in this group.

Over the course of this year, I have learned to recognize my inherent need for validation and recognition.  I know this has been a sign of lower self-esteem and self-confidence, but I finally feel like I am starting to rise above it. Sure, I LOVE feeling validated and I certainly enjoy being recognized for any and all of my efforts, as anyone would. However, for a LONG time I have struggled to find that validation from within. I always needed someone to tell me how good of a job I did. I didn’t believe anything about myself unless I heard it from someone else. My opinion is biased, but opinions of others aren’t apparently? Thankfully, this is something I’ve managed to transform from a need into a like. I’ve certainly still got some work to do and I still have my moments of doubt from time to time. They occur far more rarely than they ever have in my life, but they still flare up from time to time. Fortunately, I’m quick to catch them and able to quell them for the most part.

Relationships are certainly somewhere where I still continue to struggle. The largest case and point being that I’m single, and it’s been several years since my last relationship. This is something that bothers me far less than it used to, but I still have my frustrations with it. I’ve had some potential opportunities, and a few misinterpretations, but nothing that’s really panned out so far. Given that this is something that I used to perpetually perseverate over, I’d say the place I’ve come to with this is fantastic progress. One of the biggest realizations that I’ve made on this topic is this cycle of cognitive dissonance that I’ve been feeding into for almost a decade. I wrote a long piece about this last fall, but I realized that some of my earliest experiences with romantic feelings were not so healthy, and I developed a habit of mentally building up feelings as a coping mechanism. I learned to be quite perceptive with these things and unfortunately I’m particularly sensitive (in the detecting sense) to rejection or potential rejection. The conflict between what I want to happen, and how I feel things are going creates this dissonance, and it’s created a large amount of anxiety over the years. I’ve only just recently come to this conclusion, so I’ve only barely started working on this.

I’ve also realized that I’ve perpetuated a handful of the problems that have led to my prolonged lack of relationships. The way I’ve thought about a lot of these things has been really flawed. For example: I felt that in order for me to work on my relationships, I would need to be in one. The last few months have really countered this notion. I realized that I’ve had a lot of difficulty making connections with women without some sort of romantic capacity. For… well for EVER, I would not be satisfied with being close to my women friends if I was attracted to them. Everything needed to be in a romantic capacity, and if I couldn’t achieve that then any sort of connection or intimacy that I had established felt invalid, or ingenuine. If I wasn’t viewed in that capacity, then I didn’t feel “special” for lack of a better word. I know now that this has strained a lot of my female friendships and I feel like I’ve finally started to make some distance from this. I know that I can make significant connections with people and have that “special” feeling without needing the relationship to be romantic. This all may sound dumb, but it’s all work in progress, and I’m glad that I’ve been able to make these realizations. While they may or may not influence my current proximity to my next romantic relationship, I know that these realizations will help make future relationships healthier.

Writing all this helps me to appreciate the perspective of how far I’ve come in my life. It’s been an incredible journey for me; I’ve done some really amazing things with some wonderful people (This sentence is giving me déjà vu). I have had an impact just as many of you have made an impact on me. There is value in that that I will do my best to hold on to. I don’t know what’s going to happen next. I’ve got some big choices that I’m going to have to start making soon. The biggest of which is when I’m going to make my next big step. Where is also a significant part of that? I’m gunning for that PhD, and I know that I’ve got what it takes to achieve my goals. For now I’m going to enjoy the summer, hopefully add another PAX to my belt and just enjoy the here and now. I’ve got another 25 years to figure out how I want to live the rest of my life and for the first time I’m able to just sit back and enjoy my life.  I’m happy. That’s not to be confused with complacent or content. There’s a lot more I want to do in this world, but I’ve got my whole life to figure that out. For now, I’m going to have some fun for once.

It’s not quite Monday, but Happy Birthday Matt. I’m going to cake dance in the morning and enjoy an evening at Fenway Park with Adam and Lauren. It’s been a great life so far, and I’m looking forward to the next 25 years!

The Girl in My Dreams...

I think I've been wanting to write this for a few months now. The words never really came out right until now. I have a lot of regrets and I've made a lot of mistakes. And who knows: maybe those mistakes have prevented a lot of opportunities. Or maybe I'm just really hard on myself. Either way, it doesn't really matter. What's past is past. I have to live with those mistakes, and I should be happy that I've made them. It's finally allowing me to break the cycle. And things will suck, and I won't be surprised if that trend continues for a while... but it will change. It always has in my life.

 Anyway:

The Girl In My Dreams

A lonely child lays upon a winter’s field. He gazes upward, watching the snow slowly fall around him. Piece by piece dances across the sky in a symphony of white. The boy’s thoughts are miles away from the field, from the snow, or the images of winter before him. His thoughts sink into his heart, for it is young love that steals his gaze. A young lady that he admires from afar. Does she place her own eyes upon him? And if she does, would he have the courage to face her? The boy cannot answer these questions. His mind awash in fear and doubt. The boy would never have his moment, for brother fate had other plans for him. Alas, the boy was a dreamer, and so he dreamt of her. He dreamt of walking by her side; hand in hand.  He dreamt of sharing a kiss and falling in love… He dreamt of a future so far out of reach. A future he would never see. Yet even though their paths would never cross, the boy still had the dreams he forged. In fact the girl in his dreams was quite lovely. A beauty far beyond the muse that inspired her. The boy was struck with passion and he soon became lost in the dream.

Long had the boy soared upon his dreams. He was a lonely child, alone in the world around him. A world turned its back to him, and in his sorrow he cried out for a hero. Yet, no one would answer his call. He would have no champion, he would see no savior, He would not be saved. The boy burrowed deep inside his head, as the darkness was coming to claim him. It was here that he discovered the magic of his dreams. The boy soon realized that he could dream his own hero to fight the darkness that dwelled in the world around him. He could not change this world, but his dreams could whisk himself away from the world that left him behind. He could build his own world, where he was happy, where he was loved, where he was free. He began to sing of the power he held within himself. And thus, the Dreamer’s song began.

The boy would find the girl again…but in her eyes he saw the girl in his dreams. In her face he saw the beauty that he had created. The boy became enamored with the girl, and though he thought he may win her heart. He was soundly defeated. The boy would lose and find his way; in matters of life and love, yet he always carried the girl in his dreams with him. The time would come when he would let go of the girl he once admired so, and another would catch his eye. Alas, the boy would stumble and fall, and when he became lonely again; the dream girl would always be waiting to care for him.

The boy would become a man. And the man would take many a journey. He would travel to distant lands and explore strange and wonderful places. The man would learn many things and find a place and a people to call his own; a home the boy could never find. Yet, even so far away from home, the girl in his dreams followed. She would come by many names, she would be seen as many faces. And always, she would save the man when loneliness took him. She would always steal the faces of those that caught his eye. And he would lose himself in her eyes. Time and time again. The man would continue to grow older, yet in his heart, he was still that boy gazing upon the snow. He was still the boy chasing the girl who would never look upon him. He was still the dreamer; dreaming to save himself from the lonely world he feared so deeply. With his eyes opened, he tore himself away from her. He would no longer feed her, he would no longer run to her. He would chose to be alone.

Now the man finds himself lost. The girl in his dreams is gone, and he knows not if she will return one day to haunt him or to heal him. He looks up and he looks forward. There is still more road upon his path, and Brother Fate still watches.

Tonight he gazes upon the stars…

From a lonely room…

In a lonely house…

He sleeps in a lonely city…

He wanders across a lonely planet…

And in his aching heart…

The boy has found his freedom…

A Eulogy for a Grandfather

As a young man trying to make his way in the world, I find myself asking a lot of questions. Many of these questions have been pondered by scholars around the world: Who am I? What is my purpose? And what will I accomplish in the time that I am given here? Some of those questions are a bit more cliché and grandiose: Why are we here? And what is this journey all about? When my mother broke the news to me on Thursday morning, I found my thoughts wandering to that of legacy: what do we leave behind when our journey comes to an end? A question that many of us have asked and all of us will someday ponder when the time is right. As I grieved in silence on that rainy Boston morning, my thoughts drifted to the legacy of my Grandfather. I have to be honest: I find myself intimidated when faced with a task such as this one: What can I tell you about my grandfather that many of you don’t already know? After all, I’ve only shared a sliver of his life, and many of you know the man who appears in the scrapbooks, the photo albums, and the silent films of years long gone, far better than I ever will. And though I may lack the experiences that some of you may have as a son, as a daughter, a sister, or a friend, I am honored to stand here today and share my perspective with all of you as his grandson. The man that I knew was a man of tradition. “Old Fashioned” as my mother used to say. From the time that I was a child, I remember the fond staples that marked a visit with Grandpa: being picked up by the legs and swung around like a pendulum, and being tickled to the ground while hearing that “whirring” sound, exploring the back yard and taking the secret path up to memorial park, playing with Leebie, or sifting through his National Geographic collection (at that age, I was only really interested in looking at the pictures of lightning). Granpa was a man of culture, and I believe he tried his best to share that culture with us. Between the various trips we made to Boston or Tanglewood to see the Pops, or to New York to see the Rockettes, the adventures we had down in Disney World, and history he shared with us through stories, pictures and movies, he found ways to pass on that culture, and helped us recognize the importance for it in our own lives. As we grew older, our visits were frequented with thorough discussions about Mt. Tom, the happenings around the wide world of sports, or, in my case, my latest athletic accolades. The older we were, the more we incorporated into these conversations. Academics, the happenings of the world, our individual accomplishments, and god forbid one of us brought up ANYTHING to do with politics and we were off to the races. Holidays and special events were riddled with conversations such as these, and as we found our own way to connect with our Grandfather, these special moments became our traditions. Yet, even as we grew, and even as our traditions grew with us, there are some of the classic Granpa staples that would last until the end: Every visit to Grandpa’s house was not complete without stop and shop baked cookies, and a Pepsi. No night on the town or restaurant visit would go by without Granpa insisting on taking the bill (assuming we weren’t at Jennifer’s Kitchen), and above all else, no encounter with my grandfather would ever lack that signature Granpa laugh. You know the one I’m talking about. I wish that I could speak of all of the accomplishments, and accolades that my grandfather achieved in his life, of his career and his service; of his wife, and my grandmother whom I will never know. My mother would always tell us that Granpa was a very private man. I wish that I knew more of his story beyond that which he did share with us. And though much of that story is lost to time, my Grandfather’s legacy remains: I cannot claim any of his treasures, but I do hold lessons that his life has taught me. Through his patience, I strive to look at the world with understanding and compassion. Through his wisdom, I recognize the value of character for a man’s wealth and worth come not from what he has, but who he is. Through his relationship with my mother, I have learned to recognize the significance and importance of family and loyalty, even as I continue to find my own life in the world. I see now that we are his legacy, his children and his grandchildren. What he leaves behind are the families that he loved, and the lessons that he taught us. The memories, the laugher, the impact on our lives and the moments that I will hold onto forever. And as I ponder my own journey’s end, I can only hope that I can inspire and impact the people that I will one day leave behind… For they are what truly defines a man’s legacy, just as it has for my grandfather…

Chosen Son of Fate

It's been a LONG time since I've written anything like this...

I'm not really sure where this came from. I had just finished writing a small piece about traveling that I was sort of satisfied with, and that lead me to starting this. It's nice to get back in touch with some of my older work, and this definitely accomplishes this. For the first time in a while, I was really paying attention to the rhythm of the piece as well, so I'm really happy with this one!

Chosen Son of Fate:

A day of reckoning has come…
Thou, oh chosen son of Fate…
Forever onward shall you go…
With hope of purpose in thy soul…
A thirst for love within this heart…
And Crimson Dream beyond these eyes…

A never ending tapestry…
A challenge faced forevermore…
This destiny now falls to you…
The man who weaves the Dreamer’s song…
A journey you must face alone…
If you still seek the wings to fly…

Go now with this blessed curse…
A story that will never end…
Yet through this, nor will it begin…
The dream forever unfulfilled…
The fallen, lost in crimson tears…
To rise again in emerald light…

And though this burden must be held…
Know this, Seeker of the truth…
Despite the hand of Brother Fate…
This story yet remains your own…
As much still lies ahead of you…
Your journey’s only just begun.

You see this world through emerald eyes…
It’s darkness, light, and all between…
The lost, forgotten and forlorn…
With all your hope, you shall redeem.
And with this strength that you now hold…
These falling souls will turn to you…

Through courage, I shall fight for them…
Through valor, they shall persevere…
Through honor, they shall sing my song…
Through wisdom, they shall know this name…
Through fire, justice shall be done…
And through these words, I shall decree:

There will be freedom, this I swear…
And peace shall span across this land…
This Crimson Dreamer doth declare…
The spread of darkness too, shall end…
A dreamer only by my name…
As I now heed the heroes’ call…
And I shall be their champion…
The long heralded son of Fate…

Traveller

Here I wander…
There I go…
A nomad of the modern day…
What is it I seek?
Something different?
Something new?
Perhaps new faces?
Old Friends?
Broader horizons?
Bright lights?
The City…
The Country…
Mountains High…
And Oceans Deep…
A journey…
An adventure…
My destinations are many…
But the journey is always the same…
Here I wander…
There I go…
The lonely drifter down an empty road…
Yet friends all always waiting…
When journey’s end is reached…
These eyes have seen so much…
The places I’ve explored…
On distant lands…
And faraway shores…
By land..
By Sea…
And Air alike…
Here I wander…
There I go…
Always trying to get there…
Wherever there may be…
It always seems so far away…
And yet…
Here I wander…
There I go…
The journey always takes me there…
And when the final step is taken…
It’s always worth the trip…
There becomes here…
And the journey begins again…
Here to There…
There to Here…
Always the traveller…
Here I wander…
There I go…

Words

For a long time these pages remained empty…
Gathering dust in the far reaches of the mind…
A dream not lost…
Not forgotten…
Only set aside…
For a moment like this one…
The Dreamer has changed since those days…
Nearly a year has passed since these pages were turned…
As trend becomes tradition…
These words…
What exactly do they mean to him?
What value does he put in them…?
Words that he once greatly cherished …
Now they seem to drift away…
A fleeting memory…
He has faced his struggles without them…
Seen hardship…
Burdened with pain…
And yet only now does he return to his words…
His greatest weapon…
His strongest defense…
What is it now, that he feels in his heart?
Betrayal?
Deception?
Emptiness?
It is all, and yet none of these things…
For he has held these words for all his life…
And truly lived with none of them…
His path has changed… if only slightly…
Though he flies a similar banner…
Purpose fills his heart…
Even if it is seen as trivial…
This holds great value to him…
He still battles those same demons…
The same curses as always…
Though he is not bound by them…
Nor does he feel that he his…
They continue to follow him…
Through yet another age…
The darkness is always looming…
Waiting for a chink in the armor…
A moment of weakness…
Yet his hope remains true…
As it always has…
The dreamer has faith in himself…
The path he walks…
And the dream he still follows…
And the battle he is always fighting…
Not in body…
But deeply in mind…
What would this world think…?
If they could only see…
What lies behind those emerald eyes…
A world undiscovered
A story still untold…
Even as the pages slowly begin to turn…
Once more, these words return to him…
Once more, these words have power in them…
In a way, they represent so much…
All that he is…
All that he has been…
And All that he dreams to be…
They are his past…
They can be his future…
There is so much potential here…
Untapped, yet unwasted…
These words…
They will take him far…
These words that come from his hands…
These words that come from his heart…
The pages turn again…
The dream survives another year…
And if only for a moment…
The Crimson Dreamer has returned…

Moment...

I've had some time to fix this up a bit... So w00t for that!

I went for a walk and came across the Winooski River. It's something I used to drive over every day, but I've never found the time to come down to the actual river itself. Seeing as I was in the area I figured I'd go see it. I ended up finding a nice spot to just sit and think... and from there everything just seemed to come into focus. I had written something earlier in the day to vent, and I wasn't too happy with it. It was just uncessarily angry, and didn't really seem to go anywhere. After having a bit more time to process, as well as resolving several things throughout the day. I came up with this. I was tired and the original version of this was a bit fragmented, so I went back and touched it up and now I have this.

Moment...

In the cold of a winter morning…
My travels have lead me to a river…
The water rages below…
And snow slowly begins to fall…
Something has drawn me to this place…
As I gaze upon these waters…
I wonder to myself…
I stand here now:
A man defeated…
With an aching heart in these hands…
And upon my sleeve…
My mind is lost…
Searching for the words to speak...
Yet, what is left to say…?
My eyes have truly been opened this day…
The puzzle has become clear:
A lonely road continues…
Another horizon I must cross…
To find my star in the sky…
I watch the fury of nature below me…
In the midst of the toil in my head…
One thought emerges from the chaos…
“Why…?”
My grandest of questions…
My oldest of riddles…
Why can’t I escape this fate…?
Why don’t I deserve freedom…?
Why must this struggle live on…?
Those who’ve heard my story know…
I have stood here before…
Time and Time and Time again…
“Why?” I ask myself…
It is this, my greatest of virtues…
And my most fatal of flaws…
My grand naivety…
My faith in humanity…
I strive to see what’s good…
In the hearts of mankind…
My thoughts have echoed unto this world…
For years now...
Yet, here I am…
A single voice…
In an empty room…
Is there truly no one else…?
Who sees this world…
The way I do?
Faces race across my mind…
Thoughts of friends…
And those I’ve kept close to my heart…
Surely one would stand with me…
Yet none stand from the rest…
I wonder to myself…
Does this world hold such a place…
For a Dreamer…?
For someone like me…?
…
No…
This cannot be…
For I am standing here...
Holding onto this moment…
As the snow gently falls…
Upon this mighty river…
This glimpse of time may be all I have…
But it I can call my own…
No matter how small it may be…
As it fades into the next…
I will find myself another…
Another moment to hold…
Another heart to seek…
Another dream to forge…
Again… And Again… and Again…
I will do what must be done…
Until I’ve found my place…
My purpose…
My peace…
Like this river below me…
I will endure…
As I always have…
Since my beginning…
I shall persevere…
As the seasons change…
And time drifts ever ahead…
The wind howls…
My thoughts interrupted…
The sound of footsteps…
Slowly closing in…
A friend approaches…
It is time…
To heave a heavy sigh…
And let everything go…
My moment has come and gone…
And now I know what must be done…
Here I go…

Somewhere...

So I'm not sure what got me going with this one. It started off as something I've daydreamed about when I hear a particular song, and then just took off from there. I'm happy with it though. I seem to have gotten a bit of my creative spark that I thought I lost. This is probably the most active I've been with writing in a LONG LONG time...
Somewhere

I stand here now…
Gazing across the horizon...
As the sun sets on this day...
Brilliant colors dance across the sky...
As the sun gives way to an evening glow...
The wind blows gently across my face...
My gaze never faltering...
One by one the stars begin to shine...
Billions of lights...
Shining through the darkness...
People come and gaze with me...
And sooner or later they leave...
Some will stay and tell their stories...
Others disappear in a heartbeat...

Yet, one by one…

They all seem to drift away…
Does no one see what I see...?

Do they not grasp the grandeur?

Do they not see me standing here?

Do they even hear me...?

Is there anyone out there…?

Who sees this world…

The way I do…?

Will I ever find another…

Who sings the Dreamer’s Song…?

A question…

Born from a desire to love…

Yet forged into a quest for knowledge…

So that one day one may understand…

The life of which I’ve lived…

So much has happened…

In my existence here…

I’ve watched the world changed…

I’ve seen the rise of History…

And with all the good upon this earth…

Corruption echoes…

Evil Lingers…

And human nature takes its toll…

And though so much has gone awry…

I still see a world so beautiful…

Behind my emerald eyes…

I still dream of changing this world…

And seeking my final destiny…

But where is it that I will find my strength…?

To leave my mark in time…

There is so much fear in the unknown…

So much doubt in the uncertainty…

A plain I have known all too well…

But even in my short life…

I’ve found answers…

One way or another…

Looking around I ask myself…

Why do I tell these tales…?

If no one will listen…?

Why do I sing these songs…?

If there is no other to join me…?

Why do I love this world…

And all of its people…?
If they do not love me…?

I will never know…

But as long as my heart continues to beat…

I will not give up on these people…

I will not lose hope in this world…

I will not fall again…

It is so beautiful…

The stars upon a Crimson Sky…

I still dream of the day…

That I will find my wings to fly…

So much has been forgotten…

But the story still beats in my heart…

My Journey…

My Legend…

My Legacy….

And so the story goes…

I will wait as long as I must…

Upon this ever changing earth…

Until someone will hear my song…

Or until my brother calls me home…

You have to be out there…

Somewhere…

Identity

I came across an interesting thought today, and once I had enough time to work with it a bit I was able to write something. This goes back to some of my more classic work. Happy I was able to write it.

On that Note: After 6 and a half years writing on here I feel like it was time to update the layout...

I think it looks sleeker = D

Anyway...

Identity

Throughout my journey upon this earth…

Through answers found, and questions forged…

Long have I pondered in my existence...

The question of Who…

Just who am I?

A question so simple…

Yet the answer I seek lies deep within my soul…

I am a man of many faces…

I am a wearer of many hats…

All of which are the culmination of the Who…

Yet which is it that truly defines me?

Is it I, the Champion?

The Soldier…?

The cunning warrior on the battlefield…

Fighting for my freedom?

Or is it I, the Name?

The simplest of choices…

Yet surely, I am more than just the man…

I want to be more than just my name…

Perhaps it is I, the Sage?

Keeper of guidance…

Passing my wisdom to those who seek it…

Searching for the truth?

Could I be… the Dreamer…?

Forging my Legacy in the depths of my being…

Seeking a way to unlock my mind…

And truly show this world my song…

Here I am only a few…

Yet even still, I can be so much…

I’ve sought to be a billion names…

Among a million faces…

Yet can I find myself in just the one?

Which of my voices is it that speaks from the heart…?

Which of my eyes gazes upon the beauty of this world…?

Which of my hands have forged the life that I now live…?

All of these…

And none of them…

The Culmination of all…

Different lives, all claiming one soul…

A warrior fighting a never-ending struggle.

A dreamer, always on the verge of tomorrow…

A storyteller who has yet to craft his masterpiece…

A player battling for victory…

A guide striving to be a hero to someone…

A hopeful romantic with love in his heart…

A man seeking more than just his name...

A child looking for a friend on a lonely road…

I am more than just a man…

I am greater than the sum of my parts…

Every face…

Every title…

Every name…

C.Malzinka…

Chrono H…

H. Dynedockia…

Matthew C…

All are fragments of the whole…

All are voices in this chorus…

Pieces of my grand design…

Forgers of the never-ending dream…

That is my Crimson Legacy…

Dear Brother

This is my therapy. Creativity hand in hand with Suffering, and while much of my older work symbolizes that concept. So much has changed from those days. I will always enjoy writing, but much of it represents a part of my life that has come and gone. The need for it has diminished, hence it's decline over the last few years.

This piece is a homage to that based on some things that have been going on lately. However, this has been more of it venting exercise than a woeful situation.

What I'm essentially trying to say is. I generally write now-adays from being triggered into something, rather than in direct response to my life experiences (I suppose this statement is half-true) So don't be surprised if it's out of context, generally my work tends to be hyperbolized when it comes to emotions.....

Well I'm rambling so here!

Dear Brother

From the moment my eyes first opened, I have cursed my dreaded brother, Fate. Long throughout my life he has tormented me. Fate, a presence that every man has learned to fear, for with that name comes the fear of what lies ahead, and the terrible, yet inevitable outcome that awaits each and every one of us. Even from my own perspective, my brother has been objectified with many faces. From the beginning of my journey, I had felt his presence; binding me to a life of misery. It was sorrow and pain that set me on my journey, and no matter how valiant my efforts were I could not escape the grasp of my cursed brother; Bound… By Fate. Much of my life was spent in fear, and in agony from this one certainty, and as time pressed onward I would fight, stumble, and submit; Submit… to the will of Fate.

For years I pondered alone at night. Gazing up into an empty sky, desperately searching for a star, a light, anything that could bring hope into a hopeless life. For many nights I waited, and waited, and no stars would shine for me. I found myself lost in a void of my thoughts; endlessly searching through an empty world. I made my strides, my leaps and bounds, so close that I thought I could fly… Yet no matter my cause, or my reason I could not escape; Escape… The Chains of Fate. For a long time I suffered… with no way to defend myself… but all was not lost, as one day I would find the strength to break free, but I would need somewhere to prepare. And I found my upper hand. With the love that beat in my heart I would find the hope to persevere. And in the Sanctuary of my mind… I could never be beaten…

In this world, my brother is not seen, yet he is a presence that none can deny.

No man has claimed to see Brother Fate, but his deeds are forever known. Yet, in the minds eye, he can be tangible, physical. It is here that he could be defeated… and it is here that I could have the power to fight him…And so the Clash began. I fought for freedom, I fought for peace, and while outside of these delusions of grandeur I gained no ground. I found something I had lost for a long time… I had hope.

I’ve written of my struggles in other places. I’ve written of the people that have come and gone from my life; those that have joined, and left, my path. Yet throughout my travels it has been Brother Fate who always stood near. It would take years for me to finally see the truth that was my brother. Through the fear of many, a symbol of doom, a sign of death, sorrow, and grief. A sign of what was to come, and what cannot be redesigned. Yet now, after all this time has passed. I now see, that my brother wears many faces. We all shall meet with our Brother someday. And while that may be inevitable, the path that leads us to him is not. Fate cam be made, Fate can be Forged. And the reins can be taken by the hands of men. We do not have to fear him. I do not have to fight him. Not anymore…

It has taken a decade of suffering, of pain, of sorrow, of joy, of wonder, and of amazement to truly open my eyes. All of the woe, and misery that I have experienced, coupled with all my precious memories, have forged me into the man you see before you. The Fire still burns in my eyes, and the battle still wages from within. I will never stop fighting, because it is that fight that brings me hope, and the resolve to never give up. And though we’ve had our sibling rivalry, I owe all to my Dear Brother…

Felt like Venting... (Running)

So I'm a little frustrated with how things have been playing out. So in response I decided to do some late night writing... This is how I like to vent because I *think* that I am making something creative out of a frustrating situation. That being said this is mostly an internal thing so try not to take anything out of context. Anyway...

Running

I’ve tried so hard to run away…
To flee from a life of Stagnancy…
A future not worth finding…
A world not worth fighting for…

Is there truly anything left for me here?
Drifting through the endless nothing…
What is it that binds me to this life that I now live…
There is nothing
No Love to guide me…
No Purpose worth fighting for…
No future worth dying for…

As I stand here now I am a fool…
Who wears his emotions on his sleeve…
So that all the world can see…
Who treads a path of chaos and stupidity…
So that all the world can laugh…
Who sings a song that only he understands…
How can he seek to change this world…?
When he can do so very little to change his own…

Time and time again I have returned here…
Broken and Defeated…
Lost…
And Alone…
And long after these words have been spoken…
I shall see this place…
Time and Time again…

But I will not stay and suffer here…
I will not decay in this horrible place…
This wasteland…
This Void…
This is the world that I cannot escape…
This is a battle that I cannot win…
This emptiness that I can no longer stand…
No longer bare…
No longer lose myself in…
No longer…

And so I won’t… Not Anymore…

The gears have now begun to turn…
The wings will now ascend…
And with my eyes towards the future…
I will run…
Never Stopping…
Never Looking Back…
And as I go my essence will go with me...
I will not leave my impressions behind...
I will not have a mark to make in this place...
I will go as I have come...
And I will fade into the darkness and be forgotten...
But I will not forget...

I will fly away from this world…
And I will find myself a new home..
A new world to call my own…
With new friends and new possibilities to explore…

I will keep running…
Until I find my peace…
I will keep searching…
Until my path is right…
I will keep dreaming…
Until I find a reality…

It’s only a matter of time now…

Purpose

It seems that more and more time comes between then and now. My life is being lived, and while I always have the time to dream. It's hard to find the time to write... But still, The Crimson Dreamer Lives. I have not forgotten what has brought me along for almost a decade now. And it's very appropriate that this comes now, as I am on the verge of a very big transition in my life... and to come to this conclusion now makes a lot of sense if You want to analyze it. Anyway, I'm glad to finally get something new up here as it has certainly been some time.

Purpose

Like many moments before this one…
I approach a crossroads in this life…
Yet none before it seemed so grand…
As the choices I’m about to make…

I’ve come so far to see this day…
Beyond the peace that I once sought…
Beside the love I’d find and lose…
Beneath the Dreams still locked away…

Although my journey is my own…
And though this path is one I choose…
More now, than any moment passed…
I hold my future in my hands…

What lies ahead is up to me…
Both where I go and what I find…
And yet, so much must still be done…
The journey’s only just begun…

And as I dream upon this day…
When fate is mine alone to make…
Still wondering my lonely heart…
And troubled mind, with questions filled…

When all began, ‘twas faith I’d need…
To save me from my darkened world…
With new found courage, strength was forged…
And thus, my story came to be…

To share my tale, I’d fall in love...
Again, Again, and time Again…
Yet still, no heart would call my name…
That is until that fateful day…

I held it so… then let it go...
A lesson learned unto this day…
That love is fleeting, fickle, frail…
And Love is tempered, shining, true…

And so an age has passed again…
Was once a boy…
Now stand a man…
And looking down the flow of time…
A question answered at long last!

‘Tis purpose… Meaning that I seek!
For why I fell, and how I’d rise…
A Reason in this grand design…
One meant for me… a Destiny…

I may not fly on Wings of Time…
With Hands of Fate… and Blade of Dreams…
That Journey I’m not meant to take…
That story still is mine to tell…

And so it is… and Here I am…
A man whose path is his to Take…
This Dreamer’s song is his to make…
With Justice, Fire, Freedom, and Faith…

Through Peace… The Fallen found his hope…
Through Strength… The Dreamer found his way…
Through Love… The Man had found his heart…
Through Time… I’ll find what’s meant to be…

Emerald Eyes!

And this is my second piece!

My last one took about 3 days to write...

This one took less than an hour!

This one flows a hell of a lot better too!

I'm REALLY proud of this one! It's a lot more upbeat than the last one!

And I know, my eyes shift from green to brown and somewhere in between, but there is at least enough green in them to warrant the name of this piece!!!

Anyway!

Emerald Eyes...


My emerald eyes have opened…
As I wake unto this day
With dreams and possibilities
And oh so much to say!

With people always changing…
You just never can foresee…
The way this world is turning…
And what this might mean for me!

As I’ve grown up these many years…
I’ve seen so many faces…
Some people come and some may go…
And some just fill the spaces!

Our roads are rocky time to time…
Our hearts can lose their light…
Let me explain!
All’s not in vain!
We’ll find our feet tonight!

For some of us, it’s hard to beat
The hate in someone’s heart…
But don’t return that hatred back!
You’ll have your place to start!

At times we feel like we’re alone…
Some people aren’t so great…
That doesn’t mean that you’re condemned
By dearest brother Fate!

Keep looking for the hope you need…
I’m telling you! It’s there!
Just keep your head up towards the sky…
This life’s not THAT unfair!

You’ll find the light you’re looking for…
It’s shining in your soul…
And even in a world alone…
That light can keep you whole…

It’s faith that’s brought me here today…
It’s faith that keeps me strong…
For I know I will find my place…
A place I too belong!

I see this world for what it is…
So genuine and true…
I know this because I have found…
People like me and you…

Although we may be scattered…
I assure you we are here…
And when we come
We’ll be the ones
To take away your fear…

I wish you all could see this world…
The earth, the seas and starry skies…
And all the people smiling here…
The way I do… through Emerald eyes…

The Wish...

So I've been on a bit of a streak lately! Things are going well and I just wanted to write!

This one's gonna seem a little down, but IDK It came to me (though it was a PAIN to get it to rhyme, probably why it's a little sad in the middle = P)

I'm working on another one right now too.. lets hope that one goes a little more smoothly, and I don't have to resort to anything sad! ^_^

This one is probably a little more like some of my classic work... I can't believe I just said that... Lol

The Wish...

When all the world had passed me by…
With nothing left to hold…
I gazed unto a midnight sky…
And watched the stars unfold…

I made a simple wish that day…
Upon that light so free…
I wished Someday…
Somehow…
Some way…
That light could shine for me…

A better world I knew I’d find…
A love I’d soon embrace…
A hope to hold a heart so kind…
As tears ran down my face…

Yet Brother Fate cast me aside…
As I began to fall…
My heart and soul were lost inside…
These chains would soon enthrall…

A boy was I in days of old…
When I had made that plea…
10 years have passed, and truth be told…
My heart is still not free…

Love will deliver me from fear…
My chains it would unbind…
That moment here…
So Crystal Clear…
The freedom I will find…

Although my path has been lonely…
And the journey’s had its pain…
This life holds little misery…
This heart holds no disdain…

Forgiveness to this world… my home…
That I thought passed me by
I thought that I stood here alone…
Just looking at that sky…

I made a wish so long ago…
Unto that sky so blue…
And with a smile, this I know…
My wish… it will come true…

Light

So I've wanted to write something new for a little while now...
Since I found myself really being happy again... I'm glad this one came to me so quickly...

I borrowed a quote towards the bottom, but I guarantee very few (if any)are going to know what it is, or where it's from. Lol Anyway


Light

So much time has been wasted…
Dwelling upon the darkest of days…
Searching through the stars in the sky…
To find a light that shines for me…
I’ve been a fool…
Wasting away in my own desires…
When the truth has remained at my side…
All this time…
Buried within the darkness…
Lies the brightest of lights…
In my own heart…
At the depths of my own soul…
Here is the warmth I’ve always wanted…
That I’ve always had.
I will not waste another today…
Nor will I pine for the midnight sky…
A star can shine for everyone…
I’ve been greedy…
Selfish…
Wanting a life I don’t deserve…
A Dream I need not realized…
And in this moment…
Here and now…
I see that I am the blind man…
Searching for a sight…
A vision that I have always had…
I am my own wings…
My own love…
My own freedom…
For far too long…
I thought I had lost those precious feelings…
That unbridled Joy
A poorly hidden smile…
All the joy in my heart…
Seemed lost and forgotten…
And yet here I stand…
At peace with myself…
No longer knee deep in the darkness…
Pining away my existence…
Searching for something better…
When what I really want...
Has been right here…
This path doesn’t have to be lonely…
This world doesn’t have to be frightening…
This night doesn’t have to last forever…
Though storms may come…
And Darkness may linger…
As long as I hold on to the light inside myself…
I’ll always have something to fight for…
Destiny is the power in my hands to change the world…
Strength is simply the will to never give up…
And Courage is the Magic that turns dreams into reality…
I will keep walking forward…
Down the road I’ve made for my self…
With my head held high…
My eyes gazing upward and onward…
Towards the future…
Waiting for the happiness that awaits ahead of me…
But embracing the same feelings that I hold now…
And I can’t stop smiling…

Rebirth...

I haven't really been myself lately. I've had some things on my mind that have really tested me mentally and emotionally, but I'm to blame. I've made my situation stressful, tense and frustrating. And I fell back upon some old habits I'm not particularly proud of... (Nothing Illegal people!) and over the last few weeks I can certainly see that I've learned a lot about the man that I truly am... My words, my principles, my values, deep down they hold true... and define me... Feelings have been hurt, and friendships have been tested. But in the end... This is where I'm at... I've overcome my demons and although I'm still a little confused... I'm happy... Honestly, genuinely, truly. I am happy. And the first time in a LONG LONG LONG Time... I've felt the inspiration to write from that emotion... Not for friends, not for people I care about... This one's for me... and there is truth in these words... I am on my way... ^_^

Rebirth

I feel a new chapter has begun in my life…
Strange it seems…
As the previous entry seemed so short…
Time can change a life so quickly…
The path you walk…
The friends you have…
The Feelings you hold…
All the things you feel you can never let go of…
And just like that…
Your world changes…
Friendships run their course …
Feelings fade…
Life as you know it is lost…
Gone without a trace…
And you stand there alone…
Wondering where the time went…?
And after you’ve picked up the pieces of your life…
You take that first step forward…
And you’re on your way…
I’ve traversed much in my life…
I’ve seen friendships come and go…
I’ve held a heart in my hands…
If only briefly…
Yet too have I lost my own heart…
Had it shattered…
I’ve lost the will to fight…
And my faith in humanity…
I have succumbed to the darkness in my mind…
Much has come and gone…
I’ve fallen down many valleys…
Yet, through all of them…
I’ve found a hill to climb…
For no slope is impossible…
I have traveled down so many roads…
Many alone…
Some with the friends I’ve found along the way…
Telling our stories as we go…
Sharing our dreams with those precious few…
And our secrets with even fewer…
Yet, when the day is done…
I find myself where I am now…
On my own…
Gazing upon those same stars every night…
Dreaming of the fateful day…
When they shall shine upon this path…
And bring that light into my life…
Knowing in my heart…
That I’ll find what I seek…
Someday…
I may walk my own path…
But this is the life I have chosen…
To be a dreamer…
No…
To be human...
I have to face my Fate alone…
For no man can save another from his destiny…
Nor should he…
I am…
And must be…
My own Hero…
My own Savior…
My own Freedom
I’ll find many more along the way…
The friends that will come and go…
Those special few that inspire me…
And Drive me ever onward…
I’ll find them along the way…
And I’ll always share this road…
With any that would walk with me…
And so…
Like every chapter before it…
I find myself standing here…
Facing the dream that began it all…
The face that started this journey…
I was a boy when we began…
But I stand before him now…
A Man…
No longer living in his shadow…
The man I would strive to follow
But never become
I know now…
He is not my potential…
But rather the man I am through my own eyes…
That vision of who I am…
It has never been more vivid
More clear…
Than it is here and now…
I will never hold that power…
I will never fly…
Never Fight…
Never truly be that man…
A dream that truly… cannot come true…
But as I gaze into that Dream…
And look into those Crimson Eyes…
I see my own courage…
My Strength…
My Will…
The Perseverance that makes me who I am…
And has brought me here today…
That power lives through me…
And I’ll never lose it…
Never…
I’ve lost my way so many times…
I’ve faltered from the hope that defines me…
Now…
Once again…
I can finally say once more…
I have found myself…
My Salvation…
My Peace…
I am reborn…

Hopeless as ever...

I hope this means something to someone someday...
Especially the person it was written for...
if it doesn't already...

Life remains uncertain…
From the moment we enter this world…
From the time we begin this journey…
Until we see it through to the end…
The future…
What lies in store for us…
Remains an everlasting enigma…
We spend our days walking toward that fate…
Through sunny skies…
And starless nights…
Yet through both we keep walking…
Eyes always fixed on what lies ahead…
Only to briefly bask in what we’ve already crossed…
Companions come and go along the way…
Friends are made and lost…
As those years go marching by…
I have crossed many roads in my day…
Seen many dreams…
Moments of triumph…
And of pain…
I know what it means to belong…
And what it means to be alone…
I have seen this world…
And the people who dwell within…
And yet in all of my travels…
I have never met someone…
Quite like you…
You whose mind challenges and inspires at every turn…
Whose eyes gaze upon a world I have never known…
But have always wanted to find…
Your heart tells its own story…
Filled with both tears and smiles…
Darkness and Light…
Hope… and despair…
Our paths may be different…
You and I still may walk alone…
Guided only by our hearts…
Gazing upon those starless nights…
Pondering the future…
As we slowly march toward what is to come…
But when the dust settles…
When the fog finally burns through…
I find myself…
Standing by you…
Hand in hand…
Side by side…
Gazing just beyond the horizon…
With the starry skies above…
With the dark abyss below…
And as I look into those eyes…
To read the story they tell…
With the scars of the past…
The Fear…
The Uncertainty…
And maybe just a bit of hope…
I see the beauty…
The majesty…
The light shining in you…
Whatever is meant for us…
Whatever the future may bring…
Know this to be true:

I’ll fly with you into that sky…
Upon our wings we’ll soar…
I’ll Fall with you into those depths…
To darkness evermore…
No matter what tomorrow hides…
Above… or down below…
As long as we stand side by side…
I’ll never let you go…

If I could have these words be true…
I’ll know there’s hope for me…
I hope that I have found in you…
The Friendship…
You’ve found in me…

Hope...

To the people who actually come on here and read this stuff

I'm sure this title seems rather ironic, considering the piece itself...

But this is how I deal with what happens...

The emotions are on the paper...

and no longer in my mind...

And that's how I keep going...

Hope

How do I stand here now…

As the rain pours down upon my broken body…

The wind howling in the night..

How do I keep walking forward?

When the pain gets so unbearable…

How can I gaze upon a Crimson Sky…

When Darkness is all I have ever known…

Hope has kept me going for so long…

It has driven me to keep fighting in this war we call life…

It has inspired me… Given me faith…

That brighter days do come…

That loneliness can end…

That dreams can come true…

But in the end…

The shield of hope is only so strong…

And even it can falter under the hand of fate…

I have grown so tired…

So tired of this shattered existence…

The light fades by the moment…

My dreams are lost to time…

Love taunts me as it always has…

Bringing me close…

Only to push me just out of reach…

Sometimes I gaze into this darkness…

And wish that it was all a nightmare…

A Bad dream…

A Dark and terrible place…

That would disappear when awoken…

Lost forever to Oblivion…

Maybe this truly is Destiny…

Maybe this is the price I have to pay…

For the strength given to me…

To have a chance at life…

All those years ago…

Maybe this life…

Is the burden I must bear…

To live such a life…

Is to live it alone…

And so… Here I am…

A Face that no one will see…

A Voice that no one will hear…

A Heart that no one will hold…

I stand here now…

Defeated…

Broken…

And Alone…

And yet…

Through the darkness of this night…

Through the rain pouring down on me…

Not a tear has been shed…

Not one drop…

What’s left to stave the tide…?

What else can cast the darkness away…

All I have to save myself…

Before I am taken…

I am all that stands…

Between the void and myself…

My Strength…

My Resolve…

My Hope…

For Hope…

Is all that I am…

And Hope…

Is all that I have left…